If there’s a person who caused me a lot of pain, it was you. But that doesn’t mean I hate you or I hated you because the truth is, I don’t and I never did. Despite the things you did which brought pain and loneliness into my life, I still thank you. For without you, I wouldn’t know how it feels to lose someone in a blink of an eye, to stand after a fall and to be surrounded by friends I thought I also lost. The bottomline is, you only made me stronger, and thanks for that. 

It was nice to spend a day with you.. I’m glad you’re fine.. I’m glad that you have the guts to show up despite what you’ve done to me.. I’m glad you’ve realized your mistakes and you’re sorry. But please tell me why are you back? What are your plans? Are you here to hurt me again?? To give me high hopes and abandon me in the end?

You know that I loved you… Or maybe I love you still.. You know that I can’t resist you.. But please be cautious. You’ve hurt me too much. You can’t imagine how tormented I was when you broke my heart.. You have no idea how much I cried every night.. How much I felt so inferior.. how much confidence I lost because of you.. Please.. I’ve had enough..

You know what sucks? When your ex is so confident that you’ll accept him again after all the pain that he had put you through because he knows how great your love for him is.

I saw him today in front of the train station where we used to meet.. I’d like to think that he waited for me to pass by because he knows I always take the train at three o’clock… that he came on purpose to greet me and  bid goodbye because he’s moving out of town for good… that he wanted to see me because he missed me.. But I no longer want to disappoint myself with these lies.. The truth is, it just happened that I was there and so was he..

So there’s this guy I’ve been going out with recently.. He’s nice, cute, smart and he seems responsible. He’s one of the few people who’s making me feel in company at this moment and honestly, he’s really helping me a lot.. But lately, I knew there’s something wrong.. I realized I’m doing everything in an inappropriate way.. It’s been only a month since I broke up with my ex and I shouldn’t be getting attached to any guy.. Last night, I got the courage to tell him everything..

Me: “You know what? I should avoid you..”
Him: “No. You should go out with me more often instead. It will make you feel better.”
Me: ”But why?”
Him: “Because I’m nice :P and the more you go out with me, the more you’ll open up with me.. You shouldn’t stop doing it.”
Me: ”I think about it in another way. You know right? that I broke up with my ex last month and I can’t deny that you are one of the few persons who are always there for me. And I thank you for that…”
Him: “Thanks for telling that.”
Me: ”But sometimes I think I should make it on my own..”
Him: “No! On your own no… I’m here so you shouldn’t worry,”
Me: ”I don’t like using people for my own purposes.. I’m not telling that I’m using you but it may seem this way. Right now, I’m in a period of confusion and I shouldn’t be going out with any guy.. I should move on without your help.. without anyone’s help.”
Him: “But why?”
Me: ”I may only end up hurting myself..or rather, I may only end up hurting myself, and the people around me”
Him: “Hmn, anyway if ever you need a help, an advice or simply a person to tease, let me know because I’m always here for you.”
Me: ”Thank you.. But anyway, this doesn’t mean that we’re not gonna talk anymore okay?  I just want us to not get too much attached to each other.. And it also doesn’t mean that I don’t like you as a person.. You’re awesome and funny.. But I believe that we happened at the wrong time..”
Him: “So, you just need to pass this moment then we can start going out again, right?”
Me: ”Yes, exactly.”
Him: “Okay no worries. Nothing will happen.. Tesò (treasure) let me know when you’ll be better.. I will wait for you..”

That’s it. It was like a thorn removed from my heart. Now I need to take my time and try to move on ALONE. It will be tough, but it’s for my own sake..

Tutti mi dicevano “Vedrai è successo a tutti però poi ti alzi un giorno e non ci pensi più.. Lo scorderai, ti scorderai di lui.”

Solo che non va proprio così .. Ore spese a guardare gli ultimi attimi in cui tu eri qui con me.. Dove ho sbagliato e perché ?? Ma poi mi son risposta che non ho nessun rimpianto.. nessun rimorso.. Soltanto certe volte capita che appena prima di dormire mi sembra di sentire  il tuo ricordo che mi bussa  e mi fa male un po’ ..

Come dicon tutti il tempo è  l’unica cura possibile. Solo l’orgoglio ci mette un po’ .. un po’ di più per ritirarsi su.. però mi ha aiutato a chiedermi  se era giusto essere trattata così da una persona che diceva di amarmi e proteggermi prima di abbandonarmi

One part of the reason I hate my ex is because of how he treated me. The other, and biggest part, of the reason of why I hate my ex is because I honestly don’t know how to feel about him.

(via blogsecret)

Day 32

“I dreamed of you and I was crying from happiness. In my dream, you realized your mistakes, apologized and you came back to me..

When I woke up, I was still crying, but this time it’s not from happiness but from sadness knowing that it was a nightmare. It was a nightmare because it’s something that will never ever come true.”